A big part of our story is our journey to have kids. Since it is Pregnancy and Infant Loss awareness month, we thought we would make our first few posts about our infertility journey. We post this in hopes that it will help others on this same difficult and lonely road and to let others know that are in our same position the different things that we’ve tried, and most importantly to let others know that you are not alone in this, and that we feel your sadness, pain, and loneliness.  I know that I scour the web looking for other people’s stories, treatments they have done, and any leads that could possibly point us in the right direction. So I thought I would add our journey as well. This is a story in our lives that is intimate and very personal to Ian and I, and I’m posting everything to its bare detail. We share it for others who like us, look for answers and comfort. 

(This should not replace talking to your doctor)

Story:

Due date July 24, 2010

Back to Heaven: January 14, 2010

Reason behind the name: We found out we were expecting on Thanksgiving

This baby was not planned. Ian and I were just barely newlyweds, married only 5 months, living in our first apartment together. We were not actively trying but I was not on birth control. I remember feeling funny all week with crazy dreams, and having to wake up in the middle of the night to go pee, and just overall I felt off. One night Ian and I were at Wal-Mart and I asked Ian if I could buy a pregnancy test. And he was like why? And I said because I feel funny. And so I did.

That morning, which was Thanksgiving day, (why we call this baby Turkey) I had the go to the bathroom, so I decided to take the pregnancy test … and it was a positive. I was in shock and super happy. I woke Ian up and we celebrated. I called my parents to tell them Happy Thanksgiving and told them they are going to be a lolo and Lola (this is Grandpa and Grandma in Tagalog), we both were so excited. We were not planning on having kids as soon as we did, but we were excited. We also told Ian’s whole family before thanksgiving dinner.  At this point miscarriage was not even something we would have ever dreamed of happening.

I didn’t have an OB yet so I made an appt. The first appointment they said that don’t see you until you are 10 weeks along. So I went ahead and scheduled my appt when I would approximately be 10 weeks along.

When it happened:

I was going to school and working at this time, and the whole day I felt tired and just off. After I got home from school that day, Ian’s work had a dinner at Market Street Grill. So Ian and I got all dressed up and had good food and a good time. When we got home, I felt so tired and just wanted to lay down in our bed, so Ian laid down with me. A few minutes passed and I just felt sick and I got up and there was blood soaked on our bed, I immediately start panicking and crying and Ian is too. He calls my mom and she told us to head to the ER as soon as possible. The whole way to the ER, I was in pain, which I later learned were contractions, and blood just kept coming out of my body. I walked into the ER, which was really embarrasing because I was covered in blood and they got me to a room right away. I continued to bleed. They put me in a wheelchair and took me to get an ultrasound. And there Ian and I saw our baby, our precious baby, with no heartbeat, and with that our hearts sank. She said our baby measured about 6-7 weeks, and probably passed away earlier this week. They put me back on the wheelchair and I just started throwing up- throwing up because of the blood, the physical pain, and because I just found out our baby died. When I was back in the room they put me on a morphine and zofran drip. My ER doctor was amazing. She said I was technically in labor and she will just help get everything out. When that happened, she opened up our baby’s sac and asked if I wanted to see our baby. And I of course did, and so did Ian. She put our baby in a container and told us that we could take our baby home if we would like.  We went home defeated that night. I stayed home for the next 2 days and just felt empty. Ian and I both decided that we would hold off trying again, since this was so traumatic.